


Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

by AnonymousDandelion



Category: Good Omens (Radio), Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crowley Being an Idiot (Good Omens), Dogs, Footnotes, Gen, Humor, Lighthearted, POV Alternating, Scared Crowley (Good Omens), Snake Crowley (Good Omens), St. James Park, and the dog just wants to play, but he's freaked out, goldendoodle, he's not actually in danger, poor snek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25976767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousDandelion/pseuds/AnonymousDandelion
Summary: Crowley is people-watching at the park. He's also bored, looking for some mischief to make, and perhaps not at his smartest. Then he sees a napping dog, and has what he thinks is a good idea. (He is, of course, very wrong.)The dog, meanwhile, is absolutely delighted to have made a new friend.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33





	Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Man's (and Demon's and Angel's) Best Friend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25153165) by [AnonymousDandelion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousDandelion/pseuds/AnonymousDandelion). 



> Just a bit of inanity, based on a conversation in another story of mine — [Man's (and Demon's and Angel's) Best Friend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25153165/chapters/60949081) — in which it is suggested that Crowley has had some not-great past experiences with dogs. Here is one of those experiences (with apologies to Crowley for the embarrassment).
> 
> Enjoy.

Having recently concluded a good game of fetch, the goldendoodle was taking a well-deserved rest in St. James Park. Her human drifted off across the park to admire the ducks, leaving the dog to her nap.

The owner should _not_ have left the dog unattended — but really, everything ought to have been fine. The dog’s leash was tied securely to a tree, and the goldendoodle herself was set to sleep soundly, unless something or someone disturbed her.

Key word: Unless.

~ ~ ~

Crowley was people-watching. He viewed it as a professional hobby of sorts; after all, it was crucial to his job that he understand human behavior in order to be able to properly influence it. And if watching humans go about their daily lives was also an interesting (and downright hilarious) activity in its own right? Well, he wasn’t going to complain.

St. James Park was a prime location[1] for people-watching. Sometimes, Crowley would visit the park in human form. He’d even feed the ducks (particularly if Aziraphale happened to be there too[2]). At any given moment on any given day (or night[3]), there was a lot happening in the park for an advertent demon to see and hear and exploit; the amount of top-secret political intelligence and personal baggage which people see fit to discuss in the middle of a public place full of other park-goers was an endless source of astonishment and amusement for Crowley.

If he didn’t feel like being noticed, the demon could of course generally arrange matters to ensure that he wouldn’t be. Still, every now and then it did pay off to make use of a different, less obtrusive physical form. There are certain matters that are simply more easily observed, and more effectively eavesdropped upon, when one is (in the most literal sense of the phrase) a snake in the grass.

Also, incidentally, in the event that a snake is spotted by a human, it is remarkably easy to wreak mayhem, and Crowley was seldom averse to mayhem[4].

All in all, today’s stint of snakiness — in keeping with the goal of inconspicuity, Crowley was a very small serpent, hardly more than a garter snake — was proving quite successful. The people-watching so far had been fruitful, even for St. James Park; on top of a young couple’s dramatic breakup scene, a rather heated conversation regarding the best methods of making and drinking tea (not to mention the best variety of tea to be made)[5], and a group of children playing freeze tag[6], he’d also already picked up some fascinating, _highly_ classified information regarding Germany’s foreign policy from a pair of secret agents feeding the ducks[7].

Yess, it had been a successful afternoon. In fact, it had been _such_ a successful afternoon that Crowley was beginning to be excruciatingly bored. Only a handful of humans had even spotted him at all so far, and of those, only one had properly screamed, and none had fainted. He was starting to wish he’d chosen a larger form, just for the challenge and excitement factor.

That was when he saw the dog.

Crowley had interacted with hellhounds in the past[8], and — to put it mildly — he was not a fan[9]. And he’d encountered other animals of the canine persuasion before now, of course; you don’t spend six millennia on Earth without meeting the occasional domesticated wolf. Crowley himself had taken a hand in the breeding of the chihuahua, and won a bewildered commendation for it.

But the fact of the matter is, neither hellhounds nor chihuahuas have very much visually in common with goldendoodles[10].

And, when you’re a bored snake with a penchant for troublemaking, and a fluffy brown tail is twitching lightly in the grass in front of you while the animal attached to the other end of the appendage _snores_ …

Even for the Serpent of Eden, who really should have known better, some temptations are simply irresistible.

~ ~ ~

The goldendoodle was having a delightful dream involving rabbits[11]. She was just about to catch one and then play with it — the chase was going far better than it ever did in real life — when a different rabbit grabbed her by the tail.

The dog yelped, jerked awake, scrambled to her paws, twisted around, and discovered that the thing on her tail looked like no rabbit the dog had ever seen before. This new creature was long, and thin, and _wriggly_ , and twined around the dog’s tail in a way that was nothing like she had ever imagined rabbits could do. In fact, the dog was beginning to suspect the creature on her tail might not be a rabbit at all.

Whatever it was, however, the creature in question undoubtedly looked at least as much fun as a rabbit. And, unlike rabbits, the creature was right here — and clearly _asking_ to play, if only the dog could reach it.

The goldendoodle twisted her body further, trying to get to her new friend. Meanwhile, the tail around which said friend was wrapped began, instinctively, to wag its enthusiasm.

~ ~ ~

For the first couple seconds, hanging out with a sleeping dog’s twitching tail was fun. Then, in the space of another second, it all went wrong. The dog whose tail the snake was twined around woke up. The tail (and the snake with it) whipped wildly as the dog jumped up and tried to turn, which had not been in Crowley’s plan[12]. Crowley made dizzy, disoriented haste to detach himself from the fur.

He did so — and landed, still dizzy and disoriented, just as the dog spun again, leaving Crowley in the grass right in front of the gaping maw of a goldendoodle. He tried to slither away, but a paw came down hard on his own tail, and Crowley found he was _trapped_.

Yes, trapped. A demon who had escaped intact from multiple encounters with hellhounds was currently caught and held by an ordinary, earthly goldendoodle. It was uncomfortable, humiliating, and most of all, highly disconcerting.

Crowley had just enough time to reflect on the sheer stupidity of his situation, and to hope no one from Hell was looking up right now[13], before his attention was demanded by the fact that the dog, still holding him firmly by the tail, was now leaning down towards Crowley’s head. Crowley yanked his head away from the inquisitive tongue and teeth, and hissed with Hellish menace. It was a sound that would have led any sensible creature to either cower or immediately turn tail and flee. Unfortunately, in this case it served only to make the goldendoodle[14] even more evidently delighted with its newfound playmate.

The dog’s free paw batted at Crowley; he recoiled, trying and failing to get away, then reared up from the ground as best he could, so as to more effectively defend himself. By this point, a handful of horrified humans had noticed what was going on, and had gathered to gasp and point and shriek[15] and record the scene on their cell phones[16], but no one was brave enough to actually try to separate the struggling creatures.

The wrestling match culminated with a flurry of motion that even Crowley himself couldn’t quite follow — and it ended, somehow or other, with the dog tangled in its own leash and the snake on _top_ of the dog, Crowley’s head (and the fangs contained therein[17]) near the goldendoodle’s neck, the rest of his body equally well positioned to do a deadly impression of a miniature boa constrictor.

Crowley froze.

One of the human onlookers screamed.

The dog panted, trying to shake the snake off its body so they could get back to the game, tail continuing to wag as if the dumb beast had no idea that its life was hanging in the balance.

Well, bloody Heaven, what was Crowley supposed to do about _that_?

Hissing to get rid of an array of unsettling thoughts and feelings, Crowley let the dog shake him off. He fell to the ground and, this time, managed to slither out of range before the entangled animal could come for him again. Behind him, a human rushed up to the dog, gabbling words intended to communicate comfort and concern and admonishment. The dog barked joyfully.

Crowley didn’t stay to listen to any of it. Sending off just enough demonic energy that humans scrambled to get out of his way, he hurried off across the park, heading for a private corner where he could shift form. The people-watching was definitely done for the day.

~ ~ ~

Notwithstanding her human’s scolding, the dog was in a good mood. Admittedly, she was sorry that her new, wriggly friend had left the park so soon, but the disappointment was not too acute. It had been a good game while it lasted, and perhaps they’d meet again and get to play together more sometime soon[18]. In the meantime, there were squirrels to be chased, trees to be marked, and humans to give attention[19].

The goldendoodle slurped her human’s hand, and was rewarded with a sigh and an affectionate pat on the head.

~ ~ ~

“Business is going very well, thank you for asking, I haven’t sold a book since last Tuesday[20].” Aziraphale smiled. “How was your day, Crowley?”

“Oh, just the usual.” The Bentley screeched around a corner, and Aziraphale, in the passenger seat, cringed appropriately. Crowley smirked. “Watching people, sowing seeds of evil, y’know.”

Aziraphale tutted. “Oh my, I gather I shall have my work cut out for me. Well, dear — _be careful, I think that was a squirrel!_ — how was the people-watching?”

_Great, until I got bored, and then I got myself caught by a stupid ball of fur that didn’t even have the instincts to be scared of a demonic snake._

Crowley shrugged, firmly putting that incident out of his mind. “Got some interesting German news, tell you about that later… Oh, and apparently some woman in America made tea in a microwave.”

Aziraphale’s resultant outrage was everything Crowley could have hoped for. Nothing distracts from unwanted thoughts of dogs so well as speeding to a theater in a vintage car with Queen playing while listening to an angel alternate between squealing about pedestrians and waxing eloquent on the proper procedures and ideal temperature for the brewing of tea[21].

~ ~ ~

The goldendoodle wagged her tail all the way home. That night she dreamed of long, thin, wriggly rabbits. It had been a _great_ day at the park.

**Footnotes**

1 Second only to public transportation.[return to text]

2 Though on those occasions, angel-watching tended to supplant people-watching as the main focus of Crowley’s thoughts.[return to text]

3 People-watching after midnight, when the park was officially supposed to be closed, was a whole new level of interestingness.[return to text]

4 Except when he was trying to sleep.[return to text]

5 Crowley was scheduled to go to a show with Aziraphale that evening, so he made a mental note to mention this conversation to the angel, who often had strong opinions on matters of hot beverages.[return to text]

6 Crowley barely avoided being stepped on. He was not at all pleased. The children had no idea how lucky they were that their game didn’t become rather more real than desirable. Crowley didn’t generally see much point in cursing children, however, and anyway, freezing really wasn’t his specialty. Besides, the kids were having a good time and they were cute.[return to text]

7 He made another mental note to pass the intel on to Aziraphale when he got a chance; it could be useful to the angel’s work, and there was no reason for both of them to spend time going to the trouble of gathering the same information.[return to text]

8 And as rarely as he could manage.[return to text]

9 Which is to say, he avoided them like the plague. This was not just a figure of speech; Crowley knew firsthand what it was like to avoid the plague. It was hard to say which was worse, in Crowley’s mind: hellhounds or the fourteenth century.[return to text]

10 Among other details, hellhounds are typically larger, less fluffy, and significantly scarier than goldendoodles. Chihuahuas, on the other hand, are smaller, yappier, and also significantly scarier.[return to text]

11 Most of the dog’s dreams involved rabbits, tennis balls, food, and/or some combination thereof. (Her nightmares, meanwhile, involved baths; it is best that we say no more.)[return to text]

12 Insofar as he’d had a plan. He really hadn’t, beyond “I’m bored and hitching a ride on a sleeping dog’s appendage looks like an entertaining way to alarm a few humans”.[return to text]

13 Luckily, they weren’t. Crowley would never have lived this one down if Ligur found out.[return to text]

14 Which was, arguably, not the most sensible of creatures.[return to text]

15 It was a shame Crowley was too distracted to properly appreciate the moment; it was all the chaos he’d been missing earlier on.[return to text]

16 Later that day, however, everyone who had managed to film the fight would find that the video was mysteriously missing from their device’s memory. Crowley wasn’t taking any chances on this one.[return to text]

17 Which were not currently venomous, but could become so as easily as Crowley could think about it. This would have been very easy, now that Crowley had an instant to think.[return to text]

18 They would never ever meet again, at least not if Crowley had any say in the matter.[return to text]

19 And, if the goldendoodle was very, very lucky, there would be humans with treats.[return to text]

20 That had been a distressing day for the angel — the customer had refused to be dissuaded by smells, glowering looks, feigned deafness, broken cash registers, and even the most exorbitant of prices — but he’d gotten over it by now, mostly.[return to text]

21 The precise proper temperature, of course, depends on the type of tea being brewed.[return to text]

**Author's Note:**

> Relevant quotes from [ Man's (and Demon's and Angel's) Best Friend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25153165/chapters/60949081), presumably referring to this adventure (and possibly to others as well):
> 
>  **Crowley** : “Look, angel, it’s just… dogs. Snakes. Me. We don’t get along. At all. They don’t have any instincts for staying out of trouble, if they meet a snake they run right over to look at it, for something’s sake, they try to _play_ with it…”  
>  **Aziraphale** : “My dear Crowley, are you trying to tell me that you are afraid of dogs?”  
>  **Crowley** : “Who, me? A demon, afraid of dogs? That would be absurd. Ha. Ha. I mean, um, a demon could just, like, smite a dog if it wanted to. Don’t be silly, Aziraphale. Why would a demon be afraid of dogs?”  
>  **Aziraphale** : “Crowley, have you ever smitten a dog?”  
>  **Crowley** : “What? No! That would be horrible! Um. Gah.”  
>  **Crowley** : “Yeah, maybe I’m afraid of dogs. Just a little. I know, it doesn’t make sense. It’s just, because I know I could hurt them — heck, even if I was just a snake, not a demon at all, I could still hurt them — and they don’t know or they don’t care or they don’t believe it or something, and… and…"
> 
> If you're interested in another story along similar lines, also inspired by these quotes, I recommend [Snakes And Dogs Don't Mix](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25189810), written by [fractalgeometry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fractalgeometry/pseuds/fractalgeometry).
> 
> Thanks so much for reading — and if you did, I'd be thrilled to hear what you thought of this ridiculousness!


End file.
